





No. C'CCIJII 



FRENCH'S MINOR DRAMA 



uT b e 1^ 1 1 i n q 0^ b i t i o n 



The Burglar AND THE Judge 



;I COMEDIETTA IX ONE ACT 



/ 



F. C. PHILIPS AND CHAIILKS II. K. BKOOKFIKLI) 



Copyright, 189*2, by T. H. FitENCii 



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T. 11. FKKNCII 


London 
SAMIKL KUENCIJ 


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THE BURGLAR AND THE JUDGE. 



BY F. C. PHILIPS AND CHARLES H. E. BROOKFIELD. 

Mr. Justice Gyves 

Pakkhurst 

Joe . . = 

The scene represents a handsomely jurnished dining-room. Oak 
fireplace^ c, with oil 2')ainting of Sir Geoffrey Gyves. Window, 
li. c, with street hachijig. Shutters closed. Door, R. c, with hall 
baching and staircase. Cellarette, n. Writing-tahle, l. Easy- 
chairs and occasional chairs. Tahle in front of fireplace., icith 
spirit case, glasses, cigars, etc. A clock with a loud, slow tick. A 
lamp and candles are burning. A good fire, which goes down to a 
■glow. Clock on mantel-piece. 



T/^P96-006883 



THE BURGLAR AND THE JUDGE. 

When the curtain 7'ises, Gyves is discovered in evening dress 
asleep) in easy-chair, R., ofjirejylace. 



Mnter Parkhurst, with yarcel. He crosses to writing-tahle, tohexe 
he deposits parcel. ♦ 



Parkhurst. His lordship's asleep ! That's a good job I He 
hasn't missed me, then. I just adjourned for ten minutes over 
the way, and took a nice glass of sloe gin at the "Faithful 
Hound." A very pleasant gentleman that was I met there, too ! 
Tells me he's in the stable, and they don't mean winning with 
" Steamroller" after all ; and I'm to have a bit on his stable 
•companion " Spoof." {Sits, looks at Gyves, talces out letting look.) 
I; can get thirty threes to-morrow, he tells me — thirty-three 
-dollars — that's £8 os. Od. The course ought to suit him — I see it 
when me and his lordship was down for the Chester Assizes. 
Lord ! how drowsy I do feel, to be sure ! — as if we'd been 
hearing appeals all through a July afternoon. (Tatc7is.) I 
must pack his lordship off to bed — litter him down nice and 
snug — and then follow his example. We've got to be in court 
to-morrow at ten, and catch the night express to Swansea. A 
nasty, tiring day ! I sha'n't tell him to-night about his robes 
coming home from the cleaner's, else he'll be wanting to try 'em 
on, to see how the new ermine looks, and I'm a great deal too 
•sleepy to. {Yawns.) O Lord ! O Lord ! {Crosses to Gyves.) 
Beg pardon, Sir Geoffrey, {Touches him on shoulder.) Time to 
wake up. Sir Geoffrey. 

I^Gyyes {icakes, blinks and commences very Nandly). Ah ! Well, 
gentlemen of the jury, is is for you to decide. If you believe 
the witnesses for the prosecution you will be obliged to return 
a verdict of guilty against the prisoner'at the bar, whereas if 
you attach credence to the — 

Park. It's all right, Sir Geoffrey ; you're at home in Gros- 
venor Place. 

Gyves. Ah ! God bless my soul, so I am ! I was so very 
comfortably asleep. I quite thought for the moment I was ad- 
ministering justice. 

Park. You'll be going to bed now, I suppose, Sir Geoffrey ? 



4 THE BURGLAR AJJD THE JUDGE, 

Gyves. Certainly, Parkhurst. Put out the lights, and give 
me iQj bed-candle. Stay, where are my notes ? I have to 
pass sentence, have I not, in the Pennyfather murder ? 

Park. Manslaughter, they brought it in, Sir Geoffrey. ^ 

Gyves. Manslaughter, did they ? Most improper ! I summed 
up for murder. 

Park. You'll find your notes by your bedside, Sir Geoffrey, 
by the side of your barley-water. 

Gyves. Ah ! that's well. I'll consider my sentence as Vm. 
dropping off to sleep. Have they sent my robes ? 

Park. Yes, Sir Geoffrey. (1771(1068 parcel.) 
. Gyves. Ah ! that's well. I felt extremely ill at ease in 
Brother Bulkley's. Indeed, I felt almost insignificant. 

Park. I assure you, you didn't look so, Sir Geoffrey.' 

Gyves. No judge can look insignificant, Parkhurst. He is 
aggrandized with the majesty of the, law. 

Park. Quite so, Sir Geoffrey. 

Gyves. Have they quite removed the stain, Parkhurst ? 

Park. The port-wine stain, Sir Geoffrey ? Yes. it's quite 
gone. 

Gyves. Let me see. (Faukhtj-rst helps him on with rohes.) I'll 
make an example of young Pennyfather to-morrow, if it's only 
to annoy the jury. How dare they return a verdict at variance 
with my direction ? 

Park. That wasn't Pennyfather's fault. Sir Geoffrey. "* 

Gyves. That, Parkhurst, is beside the question. Besides 
which, I have little doubt he was in sympathy with them. 

Park. You see,^Sir Geoffrey, it was to save his mother that 
he struck the man." 

Gyves. That, again, Parkhurst, has nothing to do with the 
point at issue. It is sufficient to know that, prompted by 
whatsoever emotions in the first instance, the prisoner came to 
the place where the deceased was intent to commit a felonious 
act, which act resulted in homicide. You can't turn that inta 
manslaughter, Parkhurst, even were the crime committed in 
defence of fifty thousand mothers. 

Park. I suppose we couldn't, Sir Geoffrey. (Yawns.) 

Gyves. Leniency — don't yawn, Parkhurst — 

Park. Beg pardon, Sir Geoffrey. 

Gyves. Leniency is only another wora for weak-mindedness. 
A judge should not know the meaning of the word. Crimes 
are committed by members of the criminal classes, who are so 
differently constituted from ourselves that their actions must 
be judged from a totally different standpoint. 

Park. I suppose then, Sir Geoffrey, if a man's born a crimi- 
nal, he's not responsible when he commits a crime ? 

Gyves. On the contrary, Parkhurst, every member of the 



community who is compos mentis is responsible to the State for 
his actions, and is amenable to the law of the land. Only 
there is a race as distinct as the Aztecs or Pigmies, which we 
call the Criminal Classes, who habitually commit what we call 
crimes. These are frequently due to the unhappy prevalence 
of betting and gambling. I am glad to know, Parlihurst, that 
you have no such tendencies. 

Park. You know me. Sir Geoffrey ! 

Gyves. I think so, Parkhurst. I should not be fitted fpr the 
position I occupy were I not an exceptionally shrewd judge of 
character. 

Park. I've never known you to make a mistake, Sir Geof- 
frey. 

Gyves. Well, I may have made a few in my time, but not 
many. (Parkhurst helps Mm off with robes.) Thank you, 
Parkhurst. Now the gentle classes cannot jierpetrate crimes — 
because — because — 

Park. Because they're not built that way. Sir Geoffrey ? 

Gyves. Well, yes, because they are not so constituted. It 
is little personal credit to me that I have led a blameless life — 
that I am not a gambler or a debauchee or a cruel man. It is 
simply my good fortune that I was born magni nmninis timhra. 
You're yawning again ! 

Park. I'm very sorry. Sir Geoffrey. I can't think what's 
come over me. I feel so terribly drowsy. 

Gyves. You make me yawn too, confound you ! Where's 
my candle ? (Parkhurst gives him, candle.) Call meat half- 
past seven. ^Get me some soft herring's roes and a few^ larks 
on toast for breakfast. Good-night, Parkhurst. {Tawns.) 

Park. Good-night, Sir Geoffrey. {Taicns.) Hope you'll have 
a comfortable night, Sir Geoffrey. 

Gyves. I'm sure of that. The sleep of the just, Parkhurst — 
the sleep of the just ! {Yawns and exits.) 

Park. (I'eplacing robes and icig in box, and extinguishing 
lights). Thank goodness his lordship's toddled off to bed at 
last. I never in all my life wanted my bed so bad ! (Yawns.) 
O Lor ! I can't bother about taking no candlesticks and 
spoons and forks to bed with me. Besides, house-breakers 
ain't so keen on meeting his lordship, that they'd trouble, to 
pay him an informal visit at this time of night ! [E.xit. 

(A long pause, during tchich the fire goes down to a gloio, and 
nothing is heard but the ticking of the clock. The orchestra plays 
[pizz and mutes], ^^ Nix, mij Dolly, jKds, f alee aicay'^ \Jacl' Sh^p- 
po^nl]. A faint sound is heard at the window. The shutters 
open and enter Joe, who comes down cautiously.) 

Joe. Phew ! We've arrived ! You'll see it in the Mornin'' 



6 THE BURGLAR AND THE JUDGE. 

Post to-morrow mornin'. ' ' Mr. Saveloy Joe has left his coun- 
try seat, near Wokin', and arrived in town for the London sea- 
son." How about address? "Mr. Saveloy Joe will be the 
temp'ry guest of Mr. Justice Gyves." That's to rights ! How 
are we fixed ? ( Ooes round room and listens. ) All snug ! I think 
I'll risk a glim. His lordship's upstairs in a room ten sizes too 
large for him, sleepin' the sleep of a lord chief-justice, on a 
feather bed with sheets to it, I shouldn't wonder, dreamin' of 
angels and prison chaplains and such like. Lor ! what it is to 
be well off ! While the wealthy are takin' their rest, the sub- 
merged tenth — to wit, your humble servant — has to be hard at 
work earnin' his nightly bread ! {Sees spirit case.) Lord bless his 
lordship ! he hasn't forgotten his poorer brethren. {Opens de- 
canter and smells it.) Irish ! I'm in luck to-night. {Pours out 
whiskey.) Long live Ireland ! {Drinks.) I wanted that badly. 
That fairly scratches where it itches. Yes, but how about the 
solids ? I've had nothin' to eat but a ha'penny fagot and a 
nice drop of pork gravy since I left the Jug yesterday mornin' ; 
and there ain't much nourishment — not to speak of — not in 
ha'penny fagots. {Goes to cellarette, lool's conteni'ptuously at 
lock.) That ain't worth bluntin' good tools over. {Butts it 
open with his head. Brings out pate de foie gras, pickles, camani- 
hert cheese, etc.) What's all this muck ? Furrin ! Bly me I 
if I was drawin' my pay from British taxpayers, the least I'd 
do would be to encourage British industry. {Guts a large 
hunkofhread, then looks at p>ots.) Patter de forgror ! I sup- 
pose they likes furrin names to their grub. It gives 'em an 
appetite guessin' what they mean ! {Takes upj the cheese.) Pah t 
It hums a bit ! But I suppose that's meant. The swells likes 
their grub a bit gamy, so I've heard. But this 'ere ! Lor ! it's 
fit to stop a bloomin' clock ! Now, how's a bloke to know 
which to put on his toke first ? I dare say it tells yer on 
the jar, on'y it's all in furrin patter. If I'd French Charley 
workin' along with me — him what's doin' five stretch over 
them there bonds — he'd reel it off like slidin' down a water- 
pipe ! Well, we'll try a bit of the violet cream first. {Helps 
himself to camemhert.) Then a nice bit of hot pickle. {Helps 
himself to pickle.) And top it up with some of this 'ere Dutch 
butter. {Helps himself to fate de foiegims.. Fills his mouth.) 
Not so dusty ! Still it's what I terms an accrued taste. (Noise 
upstairs.) Phew ! Douse the glim ! {Bloics out candle and 
hides behind tahle.) 

{ Creaking stejys are heard coming downstairs, and cm increas- 
ing ray of light. Enter Gyves in night-cap and dressing-gown, 
with an electro-pjlated flat candle-stick in one hand, and a very 
small drawing-room pjoker in the other.) 



THE BURGLAR AND THE JUDGE. 



Gyves. I'm sure I heard some one moving ! I wish I hadn't 
sent my poodle off to be shaved. He'd have settled any one — 
if there be any one. But it's probably only Parkhurst, who 
may have fallen asleep, and who perhaps — 

Joe (pmiojis Gyves, and grins ove?' his shoulder). It's on'y 



me, guvner 



Gyves. Hullo ! Here ! Help ! Murder ! 

Joe (through his teeth, and shaking him). Come — not so 
much of it — not so much of it ! You keep that ugly old jaw 
of yours steady, else I shall get nasty ! 

Gyves (breaking away from him). You infernal scoundrel ! 
One step forward, and — I give you due legal warning — I'll 
annihilate you ! {Brandishes poker.) 

Joe. Persevere, old gent ! persevere ! You have a try ! 
{Puts his head doicn to he struck.) You hit me as hard as ever 
you can with that there toothpick of yours — it'll '^hurt your 
wrist a jolly sight more'n it'll hurt my head. 

Gyves. You infamous villain ! I insist upon your giving me 
your name. 

Joe. Go on aw^ay, guv'ner ! You know^ me right enough ! 
You know me as well as you know^ brown sherry. We've been 
introduced often enough. The first time — Lor bless my soul I — 
the first time was eight-and-twenty year ago, when I was a 
kiddy, and you was just workin' your way. I'd prigged a pair 
of boots, I had. My word 1 Didn't you pile it up for me L 
Any one'd thought I'd cleared out the Bank of England, by the 
way you talked ! "Pest of society!" "Determined crimi- 
nal !'* " Desperate character !" Me ! a kiddy not ten year& 
old. A cruel, cold-blooded little cormorant yer was, even in 
yer juvenile days. But dad and his pals they clubbed to- 
gether, and got the dear old sergeant to speak up for me. God 
bless him ! he had a heart, if ever a man had. And when 
you'd coughed away all the spleen and bile you'd got in your 
little parched-up carcase, he got up with a pleasant smile and 
a twinkle in his eye — he turned to the jury, and he just laugh- 
ed it off. Lord, it was like the sun comin' out after a storm 
of hail ! 

Gyves. You impudent scoundrel I Of course I know your 
face now. 

Joe. AYell, you ought to do, anyway. Joe's my name — 
" Saveloy Joe," they calls me. You knows me and I knows 
you ! 

Gyves. " Saveloy Joe" — ah ! yes, of course ! Joseph Searle, 
one of the most desperate ruffians I've ever had to deal with ! 
You dirty blackguard, if you don't — 

Joe. Xow, don't you splutter and spit, you silly little far- 
thing squib I Just you keep quiet and civil for once in your 



8 THE BURGLAR AND THE JUDGE. 

life, and you'll be all right. Ah 1 ring the bell, would yer ? 
Try that again, and I'll wring yer old neck for yer. 

Gyves. If you take my advice-, my man, you'll leave my 
house in double-quick time ! 

Joe {'pleasantly). Ah ! You always like to get rid of me in 
a hurry. No, I ain't a-goin' to leave your house just yet, and 
it ain't no good your callin' the servants. Your cook and your 
parlor-maid and your house-maid, they went to the music 
hall to-night — unbeknown to you — and they met a particular 
friend of mine there, and they won't be home till mornin'. 
And old Parkhurst — ha ! ha ! Old Parkhurst ! Wherever did 
you pick him up, my lord ? On the mud at South End, at 
low tide, I should say. He's a champion old fly-flat, he is ! 
Well, he's asleep upstairs, dreamin' he's skinned the lamb over 
the Chester cup, with two drams of laudanum inside of him, 
what he took with his gin just now. 

Gyves. Do you mean to tell me that my servants are jDer- 
sons of no character ? That — 

Joe. Here, stow it, guv'ner ! You ain't on your bloomin' 
old red easy-chair now. I've often had to put up with hearin' 
yer talk when I wasn't in the mood ; now j^ou've got to put 
up with hearin' me. Sit down. 

(Gyves seats himself l. of talile. Joe ^^oes to chimney -2)iece 
to fetch cigars.) .^ 

Gyves (aside). I don't suppose that a judge of the High 
Court was ever placed in so perilous and abnormal a position 
since the beginning of the world ! 

Joe. First of all, let's make ourselves comfortable. I ex- 
pects yer weeds is good. (S/nells them.) They've got a good 
nose to 'em. I likes the miff of yer baccy better'n I likes the 
miff of yer cheese, Geoffrey. {Extracts a large cigar, rolls it 
over his tongue, bites the end off, and lights it.) 

Gyves {aside). The dirty wretch I Cigars the Baron gave 
me ! Worth three shillings each if they're worth a penny I 

Joe {helps himself to grog). Have a glass along of me, 
guv'ner ! 

Gyves {starting up). What ! You dare to suggest that I 
should sit and hob-nob with you, a criminal, an ex-convict, 
a — 

Joe. Now, gently does it, old 'un ! Lose yer temper to yer 
heart's content, but remember the laws of hospitality ! And 
don't insult the guest upon yer hearth ! You've got to hu- 
mor me, else ten to one I shall get nasty ! 

Gyves {aside). What on earth am I to do ? {Aloud.) It 
is impossible for me to accede to your desire. I — I have 
already had my quantum. 



THE BURGLAR AND THE JUDGE. 9 

Joe. Well, I have a drop more quantum. 

Gyves. I can only drink a very limited amount of whiskey, 
and that I have already consumed. 

Joe. Well, then {produces fat bottle from his jyocJcet), have a 
•drop of old Tom— that won't hurt you. 

Gyves. I will do nothing of the kind ! What, drink your 
foul gin out of a bottle which you have very likely put to your 
lips ! Why, I'd sooner — 

Joe. Have a drop of old Tom. Now, do as I tell yer. ' 

Gyves. Certainly not ! I'll— 

Joe. Do as I tell yer ! Have a drop of old Tom. Have a 
•drop. (Gyves heljys himself meeUy.) ' Now, have a smoke. 

Gyves. I have no wish to smoke, sir. ,- 

Joe. Never mind about wishin'. We can't always do as we 
wish in this bloomin' world. (Gyves reaches to cigars.) No, 
not them ! You'd had your quantum of them ! They'll stop 
yer growin' if yer smokes too many of them. Have a pipe ; 
it's better for yer ! (Offers him afiithy cutty.) 

Gyves. This is too much ! I've not had a pipe in mv mouth 
since I blew bubbles as a boy ! And to sully my lips with a 
filthy housebreaker's clay pipe — 

Joe {angrily). Have a pipe ! (Gyves, after a moment's pause, 
lights the pipe. ^ Now. we're all happy and sociable. Here's 
success to crib-cracking ! 

Gyves. No, I absolutely refuse ! I will not participate any 
further in this revolting revel. 

Joe. Go on, guv'ner ! You've got to drink it ! The more 
jou looks at it, the less you'll like it. . Success to crib-cracking! 

Gyves {cit last). Well, the— success to— er — crib-cracking. 
{DrinJcs.) 

Joe. Ah! now, that's better. Now, 3-ou know, Geoffrey, 
you've more to thank me for than what you think of. I've 
two pals with me in this job. One on 'em's an old friend 
of yours, what you gave four-and-twenty to not so long ago — 
Parsimonious Phil we calls him. He was all for tying you up 
to the bedpost, shovin' a towel in yer old kissin'-trap, and 
givin' yer four dozen. He'd a done it, too— straight— if I 
hadn't a-stopped him. I says, " No," I says. " No unneces- 
sary violence ; his lordship's a fellow creature," I says, "for 
all he's a beak." 

Gyves. You cowardly scoundrels ! Not long ago you would 
all have swung for this ! " 

Joe {with a Iroad grin). That job would have suited you, 
Geoffrey. Can't I see yer at it— rollin' it off yer chest—" Place 
from whence you came — proper place of execution," and all 
the rest of the patter. I've heard you never seem to fancy 
yer dinner so hearty as after a good hangin' match. You a 



10 THE BURGLAR AND THE JUDGE. 

judge ! Ugh ! Whatever was her blessed Majesty about ? 
She must have been out of town just the week you was ap- 
pointed ! 

Gyves. I will not bandy words with you, you ruffian. Take 
what you want and leave me. 

Joe. How long have you been a judge ? What, you 
won't answer ? 

Gyves. Nine years. 

Joe. Mne years ! And how manyifellow-creatures have you 
turned off in that time ? Over a hundred, I'll lay a dollar — for 
you took to the work natural from the start, and you never 
missed hangin' your half-score a year. Wait a bit. I'll show 
you a curiosity. {Produces a piece of rope, which he toys with.) 
This 'ere bit o^f hemp's a family relic. It's what Mr. Berry 
hanged a pore old uncle of mine with — one from whom I had 
expectations, too. And all along o' you, you nasty little old 
spoil-sport. You'll have to have that dozen across yer little 
humped shoulders yet {swinging hnotted end of rope). Ain't yer 
ashamed of yerself ? You're a-shakin' all over, I can see by 
the tawsel of yer nightcap. It's the first time I ever see a 
judge in a nightcap. I should like to see it drawed a bit 
lower and this 'ere bit of rope below it. {Fiercely^) You 
hanged my pore old uncle, you did, you cowardly little but- 
cher, a better man than you any day ! His wife and chil- 
dren was fond of him, and that's more than you can say. You 
ain't got nobody fond of you. What have you got to say ? 

Gyves. You argue like all illiterate blackguards of your 
class. You break the law and then you blame^not the 
makers, but the administrators of the law. I simply do my 
duty. 

Joe. Do'.'your duty ! yer self-satisfied old humbug ! Why 
don't you practise what yer preach ? You— you put down 
crime ?^ You talk about immorality ? Why, there wasn't a 
faster little toff in town than you when you was younger. No, 
and I don't believe there is now. I know yer. I was in that 
little job down Brompton way, I was— Linden Lodge. Yes, I 
see you remember. And she Vasn't much to look at neither — 
at least, not to my fancy. You was Mr. Sergeant Gyves then, 
and I owed yer one, young as I was ; so when we'd collared 
the swag, I stuck all yer papers on the fire. Lord, weren't 
you in a quandary next day in court. 

Gyves. Oh, that was you, was it, you dog ? 
Joe. Yes, guv'ner, that's who it was, and 'ere we are again ! 
Pore little lady ! We copped all her diamonds and bangles and 
fal-lals. If you'd been half a chap, you'd a-made it ^up to her. 
But not you ! You simply chucked her. So then she married a 
bettin' man and settled down respectable, and she's doin'^ 



THE BURGLAR AND THE JUDGE. 11 

well now, SO I'm told, but no thanks to you, you mean little 
hound. 

Gyyes. You Insolent scoundrel ! I — 

Joe. Oh — and talkin' of bettin', I've heard you talk precious 
big about gamblin' bein' the root of all evil. Why, I've heard 
the servants talkin' at the bar at the "Faithful Hound." I'm 
told you play higher than all the toils in your lot put together. 
"Why, one night, last Summer Sittings, you was plaj'in' bac- 
carat till it was time to go to court, and you had to borrer a 
colored tie to drive up the Strand, so as not to show you'd 
been up all night, you puss. 

Gyves. It is not gambling, in the wrong sense of the word, 
for a gentleman of means to occasionally play with those of 
his own position for reasonable stakes. 

Joe. How do you get yer means, you old thief ? Why, 
punishin' people for doin' less than what you do. Ugh ! I'd 
like to make yer get the proclamationag in vice and immoral- 
ity off by heart — same as the kiddies do their catechisms 1 

Gyves. Have you finished, sir ? 

Joe. Very nearly, Geoffrey. That's a nice little clock on 
the mantel. {Examines it.) Swiss make ? You're all for fur- 
rin goods, I notice. 

Gyves. Leave that clock alone ! I particularly value it. 

Joe. (ojyening case). Given you by your brother mouth-pieces 
when you was raised. Ha ! Well, carn't 'elp it — your feelin's 
does yer credit. You turned my pore old uncle off, you know. 

Gyves. See, if you'll leave, that clock alone. I'll — I'll send 
you more than the value of it — certainly more than you could 
get for it — 

Joe. Well, I am surprised ! What, 'elp you to compound 
a felony ? No, no, Geoffrey, you're talking hasty — without 
thinkin'. (Poclcets clock.) 

Gyves (aside). Tut, tut, tuc ! Now, where on earth are 
the police ? 

Joe {roaming ahoiit room and annexing swag). Forks — 
spoons. Lor' I what a pity it is pore old uncle ain't alive to 
see it ! It would be a fair Bank holiday for him. But there, 
if he was alive, he wouldn't have the same grudge ! Now, 
then, Geoff, take off them rings, because if I was to help yer, 
I might hurt yer. I've always had a kind of sentiment about 
rings. Besides which, I promised my dona a nice gold ring a 
long, long Avhile ago, and she's a-gettin' impatient. {Looks round 
room.) I think that's all. Them candlesticks is on'y plated. 
Salt-spoons — ah! every little helps. 

Gyves {grinning sardonicalhj). You shall pay for this next 
time you're brought before me, you impudent villain ! 

Joe. Here ! Wait a bit : let's have a look at ver Hounslow 



12 THE BURGLAR AND THE JUDGE. 

Heath. Now, sit steady. {Opens Gyy^^''^ trwuth.) Dear, dear, 
dear I Guv'ner, I'm afraid you'll have to lose all these 'ere. 
Now, don't you wriggle about, else I'll have to give yer chloro- 
form. I 'ave a little drop somewheres about me, (Tal'es out 
artificial teeth.) This 'ere's good gold, I'll lay a dollar. You'll 
miss these 'ere over your toast to-morrow mornin'. 

Gyves [toothless). You dastardly scoundrel ! Give me those 
back! I beseech you to give them back to me. I have to give 
a judgment to-morrow at ten o'clock. ' 

JoE.^ Well, if yer can't spout it, you'll have to reel it off on 
yer fingers. (Finds box containing rohes, which he opens.) Hullo ! 
What 'ave we 'ere ? {Takes out rohes.) You ain't a-goin' to 
start a gallanty show, are yer ? I was very nearly goin' on 
the stage myself once, but my relations objected, so I took to 
housebreakin'. Oh ! I see. Blessed if they ain't yer official 
fakements — your robes and your wig. Xow then, Geoffrey, 
just you slip these 'ere on, just to remind me of old times ! 

Gyves. Certainly not ! I entirely refuse to masquerade for 
your edification. 

Joe. Now, don't be wilful, Geoffrey! I'm afraid it's yer 
teeth makin' yer fractious! You slip 'em on — just to humor 
me — else I shouldn't wonder if I 'ave to give yer that dozen 
after all. 

Gyves {putting on rohes). This cowardly tyranny is almost 
unendurable ! 

Joe. Now the wig. {Removes Gyves's nightcap)). Lor ! I 
never knew before you was bald-l\eaded. Can't you do nothing 
for it ? There — slip on yer wig before yer catches cold. 

Gyves {aside, putting on wig). Dastardly ! Humiliating I 
{Aloud?) Now then, you scoundrel, now that you've filled your 
pockets with plunder, and heaped your gutter abuse upon me, 
and compelled me to humor you to the top of your bent — now 
I trust you will go back to the foul slums from whence you 
came. Til pay you out some day for all this, you vile wretch ! 

Joe. Now just you stow that bad language, 'cos I won't have 
it, not even from a judge. And you look here. (Seats himself 
on the back of a chair, icith his feet on the seat, facing Gyves with 
a look of judicial severity.) Geoffrey Gyves, you are a man of 
desperate character. This is not the first time I've had you 
before me. No — nor yet the second. You're a bald-headed 
old sinner. You've gambled and you've rushed enough for a 
dozen. You never did a good turn to anybody in your life, 
and you never will. There ain't a soul who knows you who 
don't wish you was dead. There's some of the judges (shakes 
Ms head i^rofoundly), your companions in guilt, as tries to be 
gentlemen in so far as their 'orrible course of life will allow. 
You've never tried to be a gentleman — it ain't in yer. Geoffrey 



THE BURGLAR AND THE JUDGE. 15 

Gyves, you 'ave to thank yourself for all you've put forward in 
your favor. In all my experience, I never heard a more abler 
defence. But in spite of all that, I feel I should be deprecating- 
from my duty if I wasn't to punish yer. The sentence of the 
court is that you tip us a song and dance before I leaves yer. 

Gyves. No, this is too much ! I'd sooner brave anything- 
than submit any further to your insolent suggestions I 

Joe {xncTcs up rope). You'd better, Geoffrey. Xow tip us 
a song. 

Gyves. What preposterous nonsense ! I don't know any 
song, 

Joe. Go on ! You don't tell me ! What used you to sing 
with your brother mouthpieces when you was on circuit ? ' 

Gyves. That was fifteen years ago. I cannot recall any 
songs, and I wouldn't if I could. 

Joe. Well, you knows the alternative ! 

Gyves. You blackguard ! Well, I'll see. No, I'm damned if 
I do! 

Joe {sternly). Go on, Geoffrey ! 

Gyves. Well — I — oh, my goodness ! I don't see how I'm to 
get out of it. Here goes! (Attempts.) '■' Here's to the maiden!" 
No, that's too high ! "Here's to the maiden !" No, that's too 
low ! 

Joe. Come, get behind it ! 

Gyves (toothless and voiceless). 

, *'jHere's to the maiden of bashful fifteen, 

Here's to the widow of fifty; 
Here's to the flaunting, extravagant queen. 
And here's to the housewife that's thrifty." 

There now, clear out ! 

Joe. And is that the best you can manage ? Lord I you 
must have cheered 'em up on the wintry evenin's when you 
was on circuit ! Now, I'll tip you a stave, and mind, you've 
got to join in the chorus. It's a similar ditty to what you was 
chanting, on'y different in tune. (Sings.) 

" Here's to the slavey who's pretty and sociable. 
Game as a bantam and keen as a hound I 
Here's to the swag which is easily negotiable. 
Here's to the copper who sleeps on his round I" ' 

(Gh07'US.) 

"Drink up, boys, and be jolly! 

'Tis just for the moment we're blowing the swag I 
For our lot melancholy 

Is half a year's liberty— twenty years lag! 



14 THE BURGLAR AND THE JUDGE. 

" Here's to the jimmy we ply with dexterity. 
Tempered to lever a ton weight or more ! 
Here's to the barker (jjroduces i^istol) which weVe the temerity 
Always to sport, though its use we deplore. 

{Chorus.) " Drink up, boys, etc. 

" Here's to the beak who don't bustle up'greedily, 
Eager to lag us as long as he dare [ 
Here's to the hangman who does his work speedily, 
When a bloke takes his last leap in the air ! 

{Chorus.) " Drink up, boys, etc." 

{At each chorus Joe menaces Gyy^.^ with rope, and obliges him to 
join in., and maTces him dance hy striking at his slipjjered toes with 
the knotted end. At the end of the song and dance Gyves ainlis^ 
icith a groan., into a chair.) 

Joe. You've a nice singin' voice, Geoffrey, and you're nim- 
ble on your pins. You ought to give a smokin' concert. I 
think I must let yer have yer clock back for the song ! I 
shouldn't get more'n a couple o' thick 'uns for it from old 
Mike. {Replaces clock.) Now, say thank yer! you ill-mannered 
little swine ! 

Gyves. Thank you ! I am profoundly obliged to you ! 

Joe. Now I'll leave you. I don't want to tie you up — so 
give me your word you won't stii* hand or foot for ten minutes 
— and you can sit as you are. 

Gyves. I — I promise ! 

Joe. Good-bye, Geoffrey. I've had a very pleasant evenin'. 
(Gyves starts for door., crying, ^'- Help ! helpV' Joe collars him . 
and brings him back to chair. ) Now, I was afraid I couldn't trust 
yer ! {Trusses him with poker and ties him uj) tcith rop>e.) There 
now you're cosej^ ! Don't be afraid of straining that bit of cord ! 
It's good Government manila, and its had eighteen stone at 
the end of it. Pore old uncle ! he was a large-hearted man, 
and a bit bulky. {Pushes Gyves's nightcap in his mouth as a 
gag.) That'll keep the cold out better'n all yer false teeth ! 
Good-night, my lord ! {Band plays^ ' • Nix, my Dolly, pals, fake 
aicay,'''' as Joe steals to wijidow.) "The prisoner thanked the 
officials for all their kindness." {Climbs out of windoic — puts 
in his head again.) " The prisoner left the court without a stain 
upon his character." 

(Exit.) 

(Curtain.) 



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